When it comes to apologizing, Tyler really doesn’t get it. It’s not his fault. He’s only ten years old. I’ve never met Tyler, but I think I’d like him. His parents told him to apologize to his little brother after kicking him.Here’s the letter he wrote.
“I’m sorry for kicking you. Kicking is not okay because it hurts people. Also don’t forget about the time when you were a baby – a crying little devil – but I liked you and now you still are a crying little devil who gets away with everything. I remember when Layla used your carpet as a diaper. Ha, Ha, and Ha.”
Ouch. Did it really need the final “Ha”? Harsh. The good news for Tyler is that he can look forward to a lifetime of making apologies. I’m sure he’ll improve.
Apologies seem to be quite popular these days. Barely a week goes by without a politician, celebrity, or sports star asking for forgiveness for some sort of wrongdoing.
The public reaction to these apologies is occasionally gracious but often cynical. Sports and entertainment stars discover there are limits to the forgiveness society is willing to show. As a result, we are left to pick our way through the tear-stained remains of people’s careers and reputations.
So, it has me wondering, “Just what is an apology?” How do you know it is sincere and how should we respond when we hear one? More to the point, how should you and I apologize when we know we’ve messed up?
The Bible is crystal clear on the matter of apologies and forgiveness – Be quick to offer both. Our model, of course, is God himself, supremely shown in his Son. “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do” …. “Forgive those who trespass against you” …. “Today you will be with me in paradise.” What’s more, God does not wait for someone to apologize before he forgives, and neither should we. But that is another matter.
For now, let me suggest some hallmarks of an apology that is sincere and healing.
1. Actually say the word ‘sorry’. Many bad apologies begin with mealy-mouthed expressions of regret that do not actually use the word ‘sorry’. It really is, as Elton John sang, “the hardest word”. Don’t make your ‘sorry’ sound like you are blaming the other person, as in “I am sorry that you feel hurt …” That is not an apology, but a way of shifting responsibility for the pain.
2. Focus on the hurt you caused. Bad apologies begin with the offender saying how terrible they feel because of what they did. An apology should never be about the offender’s feelings, but the other person’s. The person you have hurt does not want to know how awful you feel. They need you to acknowledge that they feel awful.
3. Don’t explain why you did it. The explanation may be perfectly true, but to the other person it sounds like an excuse. When you are reconciled there will be a time to talk about the whys and wherefores, but it is not during the apology itself.
4. Take full responsibility for what you did. Never say the word “but” after the words “I’m sorry.” It may well be that the other person hurt you too, but that is not the point. At this moment you are apologizing, so do not minimize the impact of your behavior, or pass the blame onto something else (like your hormones, your dad’s genes, the weather, alcohol, a hard day at the office, or anything.)
4. Attempt to make amends. Show that you are serious about wanting to restore the relationship. For example, if you lost your temper and broke their favorite mug, buy them a new one. This is not the same as earning their forgiveness, or ‘making up’ for what you did (as if that were possible). Rather, it is a demonstration of how much you value the relationship.
5. Never use the word “if” after the words “I’m sorry”. If you are in doubt about whether you hurt someone, just listen to them, and that should remove the doubt.
6. Do not ask for forgiveness. Granting forgiveness is the responsibility of the person you hurt. Your apology should never be about you – but them. They may choose to set themselves free by forgiving you. If they don’t, they sentence themselves to a prison of bitterness. But that is their decision, not yours.